Xander
should really have learned to keep his mouth shut. Really. Just
a few simple words and he’d done it. Again.
With
a sigh, he rubbed his face and turned to face his former fiancé,
wincing at the bright grin on her face. “Anya…”
She
arched an eyebrow and placed her hands on her hips. “Xander…”
she taunted back.
“You
know I didn’t mean it. Take it back.”
She
pretended to consider his request for a moment before shaking her
head. “Nope. Don’t think so. You wished, I dished, and
here we are.”
“But
this wasn’t a vengeance wish, Anya, you can’t do this.”
Her
eyes flashed. “I can’t? No? Let me tell you something,
Xander Harris, I can do whatever I please. I couldn’t get
anyone to wish anything awful on you after you abandoned me and
it sucked! Now you go do it yourself, and I don’t even have
to turn you down this time. Fair and square, you made your mess,
and now you have to get out of it.”
Xander
clenched his fists and opened his mouth to retort before slumping
in defeat. No matter what he said, she was probably right in feeling
a teensy bit justified in his current situation. It wasn’t
as if he didn’t know she was back in the vengeance fold, fulfilling
the natural demon order of things, and he had to go shoot his mouth
off. He noticed a large boulder nearby and sat down with a sigh.
“I
know, Anya. And I probably deserved worse, honestly, but why here?
And how do I get out of it?”
Anya
picked up a twig and stripped it of leaves one by one. “Dunno,
Xander. This is your wish. You’re the one who, and I quote,
‘wished your life was as simple as a video game sometimes’.”
She looked around. “What video game did you wish yourself
into, anyway? I just went with what you were playing.”
He
blinked, thinking. “Baldur’s Gate II.”
“Is
that the alien one or the vampire one?”
“The
adventure one with weapons and magic and holy crap!” Both
Xander and Anya jumped back as a giant dog-like creature with entirely
too large fangs crashed through the underbrush. Before Xander could
gather his wits and find something to defend himself with, the dog
thingy, kobold or some such, gave an awful shriek and was cleaved
in two by a monstrous sword slice, spraying blood everywhere. It
collapsed in a lump, spilling gold beneath it. Anya’s eyes
went wide as she whispered, “Xander, is that what I think
it is?”
Xander
was getting around to explaining the logistics of the world of Baldur’s
Gate when from the bushes emerged a hulking heap of a man with a
feathery cap wearing what appeared to be a skirt. Xander had a moment
of sinking suspicion before the fellow gave Anya leer.
“Why
hello, fair maiden, what brings you here?” The barbarian,
for that’s what Xander remembered he was, stepped closer and
took Anya’s hand. She regarded him for a moment as he kissed
her wrist, then smiled.
“Hello
yourself, big guy. I’m Anya.”
“And
I am Dorn.”
Xander
groaned. The barbarian turned his way. “And who might you
be, little man.”
“Xander,”
he ground out, trying not to take offense at the little man comment.
Dorn
scooped up the gold coins from under the beastie and sheathed his
sword. “What brings you so far from the cities? You are too
delicate to be traversing these woods all alone.”
Anya
batted her eyelashes and eyed the pouch of gold. “You bet
your booties we are. Lemme ask you a question, Dorn, do all creatures
around here vomit money when you kill them?”
The
barbarian puffed out his chest. “Why, yes indeed. This is
the reward given to all adventurers who strike out to make a fortune
in these lands. The bodies of thine enemies offer great bounty.”
Anya looked speculatively at Xander before laying her hand on Dorn’s
arm. The barbarian beamed down at her.
With
a growing sense of dread, Xander watched the capitalist wheels in
Anya’s head turn round and round. “So, Dorn, what about
you? Do you spread the wealth or whatever when you die?”
“Oh,
no,” he laughed heartily, “I merely begin again at the
latest save point. The great Dorn does not die.”
With
an avaricious gleam in her eye, Anya looked back at Xander. “So
what he’s saying is that everything you kill—“
“Or
smash or destroy,” Dorn added, whacking apart a wooden barrel
and snatching up the vials of liquid inside.
“Everything
you destroy, kill, dismember or whatever, gives you gold or other
goodies with great monetary worth? And you can’t die, you
just start over?” Anya fairly vibrated with excitement when
Dorn nodded. Xander raised his hands in defense when she grabbed
his shirt and clutched him close. “Alright, Xander, you’re
going to play this game and get me lots and lots of money. When
it’s all over we can go home, wish fulfilled.” Her eyes
took on a dreamy quality. “Death, dismemberment and lots and
lots of money.”
Dorn
took the opportunity to oogle Anya’s breasts when she grabbed
his arm again, pulling him through the forest.
Xander
tromped after them with a sigh, muttering under his breath, “Battle
on, Dorn, battle on.”
~Fin~
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